Watch what you say to others. Watch how you say to others. - A story about why "You've lost weight, you look good." is not a compliment to me.

I know my blog has been a bit... well, negative lately, but these are things that I'm going through and want to get out of my mind. For a while at least.

I'm gonna tell you a story of a kind once again. This story involves an eating disorder, so you've been warned.
Few people do know that I used to have an eating disorder, it's not  something that I've shouted from top of the hill, but not something I've gone out of my way to hide either. I guess now it's out in the open :'D

It all begun some years ago. I was relatively normal. I had hobbies and hung out with my friends etc. I was outgoing. An extrovert. I guess some, if not most, of them thought that I was an "attention whore" and loud, but I didn't care. I didn't care much about my looks either. I knew I was okay-looking and considered myself normal weight, but I didn't really care about those things.
Around that time too I realised my depression and a friend of mine talked me into going to a doctor.
Now, I am in no way depressed enough in Finland's standard to get professional help (aka I am not hurting myself or others physically nor have I tried to kill myself), so all the doctor did was give me meds. They never really told me what they'd do or what their purpose was, only mentioned something about regulating my sleeping and eating.

Soon enough things changed. I developed a binge eating disorded (BED). I was basically eating all the time. If there was food, I was probably eating it. That meant I gained weight fast and a lot. Of course I had no idea what a BED was, nor that I had it. It's something I only realised years after.
I still didn't care about my weight or my looks.
But some people and friends, some that I trusted and considered important, started saying some nasty things. Some barely wanted to hang out with me. One of them told me that I was "sickeningly fat" and that it was unhealthy.
That crushed me. This was a person I had trusted, and they said that in a rather unkind way, with disgust in their voice.

This of course changed everything and I took a 180 turn in my eating. I stopped eating almost completely. From one eating disorder to another.
I also kind of pulled myself into my shell. I started to avoid most people and tried to not be too loud.
Quite soon I had lost a lot of weight and slowly started to go back to those places where people had hurt me. Back to the people who had hurt me. In just a couple of years I had...

gone from this...:

  

April 2007 (if I remember correctly, this was taken really close to the "you're sickeningly fat"-comment"

to this...:

 

July 2008

to this...:

 February 2009

September 2009

Of course they saw my weight loss (who wouldn't have?) and they started saying things to me again.
Instead of the comments in negative tone, they were saying things like: "You've lost weight. You look really good." with a very positive tone, and they wanted to hang out with me more once again. I honestly felt like I wasn't good before, but now I was. I didn't realise it back then, but my worth was basically measured with my weight. Not just by others, but by myself as well. I was more worthy if I was skinny.

I started eating quite normally once I had a job, which also gave me a reason to spend less time with those people (I had started to feel awful around them once again) and soon enough I moved to England for studies.
I visited Finland every now and then, and every time I saw these people, they'd tell me how good I looked and how skinny I was. Every time I felt awful.

Some of the people didn't see my discomfort, some I tried to explain it to just couldn't understand why it always made me feel anxious and horrible when others "complimented" me. One even told me that they'd feel really happy if someone told them they looked skinny and good (appparently I was supposed to feel and be like them all the time). I still hate it if anyone comments on my weight, even when they try to make it a compliment. It's a trigger that shoots me back to the time I was in the middle of the eating disorder and felt like I was only worth something to people when I was skinny. I still feel horrified every time my weight goes over a certain number.

I've pretty much left those people behind and decided that I don't want them around me.
Another thing that's changed is the way I feel when other people talk about their weight. I hate it. I never say it out loud, but the people close to me complaining about their weight (usually: "I'm so fat") horrifies me, because I have no idea what to do or what to say. And whenever I say/do something I feel like I'm making it worse by basically making them feel the same as I did. That their weight needs to be something for them to be worthy.
I never had anyone help me, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I feel helpless and I get reminded of my own fight. I try to help by telling them that if they wanna lose weight, the best way to go about it is: eat and exercise. 
But those weight conversations keep coming up and they always make me terrified and anxious. Selfishly I wish they didn't. Selfishly I wish people would just shut up about it around me sometimes.
I want to help, but I feel like I can't. In a way I don't even want to, because I'm so scared of saying something hurtful.

Maybe someday I'll get over this all and I'll be okay with my weight again, but I know it's not now.

Stay human, and blog ya later!

I'm gonna tell you a story about a thing that happened to me now..

There probably comes a time like this for every uterus owner. The same fear that defies all the logic and knowledge takes over and you can't get over it until you do that one thing. That one, simple thing. You pee on the stick.

Yes, I am talking of that moment when you think you might be pregnant even if you couldn't be. Even if you don't want to. And even if you're on the pills and/or have used some other contraception, you still think that you're most probably pregnant. And why? Well, because you have ALL the symptoms (which you actually don't, since it's individual for everyone and you are probably lying to yourself).

The whole thing goes like this:

First you start getting hungrier and seem to be more tired. It could all be because of your new medication, but it could not, okay?
Then one day you feel sick for no reason, and even if you don't throw up, you still think that there has to be SOMETHING.
And then your boyfriend/girlfriend/someone accidentally touches your boobs a bit too hard, and it hurts like it's never hurt before.
Periods? Well, you either get them TOO soon or you don't get them on That Day (aka they're late). Whichever, the point is that suddenly your periods are SOMEHOW ABNORMAL.
Oh gosh, let us not forget the peeing. You are going for a pee all the time. No, it can't be because you've been drinking more than usual.

So conclusion? You are pregnant. You have the bun in the oven. No, it doesn't matter whether the last time you had sex was over 3 months ago and/or you are using somekind of birth control. You. Are. Most. Likely. Pregnant.

Now, you panic. You try to tell yourself that you can not be pregnant, you tell the reasons why not, you try to be logical with yourself but still... the panic takes over.

So now you are anxious, because, against all odds, you are pregnant... but you still want to 100% sure, so what do you do?

You go to the store or drugstore, and get a freaking pregnancy test (which never are 100% sure so I don't know why you even bother...) while acting all awkward at the counter.
You get home, you lock yourself into the toilet. In there you quickly open the package, read the instructions (which you already knew thanks to oh-so-many movies where the same thing happens), and then you pee on that motherfucking stick.

And then you wait.

And after few minutes that line that yells "NEGATIVE" appears.
And you let out the most freaking loudest, relieved sigh.
Because congrats fucker, you are not pregnant and you just overreacted.

Unless that test is positive and you freak out... But this is another story for someone who's actually experienced this to tell.

I am glad that I got to share this story with you all.
Stay human and blog ya later~

Living with hypothyroidism.

Someone might remember my post about living with anxiety and depression. Well since that's not the only illness I actually battle with daily, I thought I'd write about something else that affects my life quite a lot. And to "celebrate" the fact that I had to go for blood tests once again :D

Long post once again, so read more under the cut!

HOLD ON A MINUTE (repost)

EDIT/
Ugh, my phone decided to delete the original post, but luckily enough I had saved it so here we go!

I've been in the belief that I just updated my blog a week ago. Now I came here to update and saw that it was THREE week ago?!

Aaanyway. I'm gonna update something now x) Something nice.
So nice things that have happened since 21st of February...

Well, first of all our Lumipuisto was finished on 28th of February, which meant the stress levels at work went DOWN.
The day after, on 1st of March, I went to see Block B live in Circus Helsinki. Block B is a Korean "boyband" aka all-men idol group ;D
The gig was quite expensive considering the venue, but it was worth it. The boys were adorable and really good. They could've sang more and talked less, but I get that they want to make some contact with the fans. I even dressed up and put some make-up on to fit the situation. My friends and I were all quite "noonas" (=big sisters) ;D

 

This was my outfit. 

That shirt is quite ugly but so comfy. Unfortunately the trousers I bought are actually a size too big (they were good in the store!), but I still like them :3

 

And this was my wace :3

 

Heidi shows her opinion on the queue.

 The queue was LONG. I'm still surprised how we all fit into the Circus o_O

Waiting for the gig to start 8)

Yeah. The gig was nice and they even performed one of my favourite songs, Her:

So yeah. That gig really cheered my up after all the work.

After that it was back to normal work which lasted for a week for me. Then I got ill last Saturday :D Which was in a way nice, since I got 3 days off work and got to rest some more.

But yeah, that's pretty much my last 3 weeks. I've been watching streams (elajjaz mostly), fangirling (elajjaz mostly), sleeping and working.

Hopefully next time will be a bit more interesting :'D

Until then, stay human and blog ya later~

Whoa, okay.

My cousin reminded me the other day that I haven't posted anything here for a LONG time. So this is an "I'm okay and this is what has happened since the last time"-post. This might get long, so bear with me.

Last time (aka last two posts before this one) I wrote about wanting to cosplay again and that I was getting an apartment.

So yeah...

Well first of all last year was kind of a clusterfuck for me. In the beginning of the year I lost my mummi (grandma from mother's side in this case), was super heartbroken about it for a long time, since she was really important to me. I applied to Theatre Academy, but didn't even get invited to the entrance examination, since I "didn't have enough work experiene in theatre". Mind you, I had graduated at the end of the previous year. I had a hard time getting an apartment and generally a big amount of people were making my life harder one way or another. Different parties (not political ones) wanted money from me all the time and I just had none.

Then magic happened. I was informed I was getting an apartment, and I also decided to adopt a dog from Kulkurit Ry (a group that rescues dogs from the streets in Romania and Estonia). She is the most adorable thing ever, even she is a bit... special sometimes.

Her name is Aurica and she saves my life every day. She is mixed with who know how many breeds and is approximately 1,5 years now. Since she's a rescue, we don't know what her real age is. Nor what breeds she has in her. She arrived to Finland from Romania on the night between 27th and 28th of June. That's also when we celebrate her birthday :D

In the beginning of June I went to Desucon, which revived my urge to cosplay. Soon enough I had my own cosplay page on FB x) But we'll get back to that later.

Quite soon after Desucon I started dating... well "dating". Okay, I got myself a boy. By the end of June we were "officially dating". We're still together, which is surprising since I usually last for only 5 months in a relationship...

So things were going okay. I went to Birmingham for a Teen Wolf event, met my friends there, had fun, got told I look like Natalie Dormer, came back. Went to Ropecon, had an amazing time as usual. Went to Tubecon and met some really cool people and made new friends. Went to Mikkeli with Rafiki, had a blast.
In September I went to Tracon where I was a judge in a cosplay skit competition, had fun and made new friends. Still wanted to cosplay, but had no money. But then I got a job as a youth leader!?!?

Okay, at this point things were going a bit too well for me, so something had to come and mess up my life, right?

And it did. I was supposed to start working in the beginning of November, but got informed that it wasn't possible. For a week or two I was angry and disappointed, but somehowe I got a message saying that hey, I can start working in December! I was to become a youth leader with children's theatre group. And everything was good again. I even decided to do Sailor Pluto for a convention and started the cosplay page I mentioned earlier.
So things are going well, I have an apartment, I have a god, I have a job, I have a boyfriend, and I have hobbies that I like (parapara, cosplay and games)... so what could possibly go wrong?
Well, since you've probably noticed, I can't do well or be happy for a long time without something shitty happening. Well, in the beginning of December I lost my mummu (grandma from father's side in this case). And of course I got sad and a lot of random things started making me anxious (especially people).

I did continue my life and kept doing things I liked. I liked my work (still do!), got into cosplay and making Sailor Pluto and one day in late December as I was on a walk with Aurica, I realised that it's completely okay to let go of the "shitty" people in my life. If they are not good for me, if they always make me feel more bad than good, I can just leave them behind and say no to them.

Since the beginning of this year, things have been quite okay. I do get depressed every now and then, but that's how the illness works, and I'm doing my best on those days.
I went to Yukicon in January, where I wore my Sailor Pluto costume on stage, as I hosted Nordic Cosplay Championship preliminaries and the photoshoot contest.We even held a panel about cosplay skit making with Elina and Miro.

Photo by Santtu Pajukanta.

Once again I met some really cool people, made new friends and had a blast.

I've been working a lot, but good thing is that it's fun and I get to do a lot of different stuff. I also found out that I kinda own land in Pelkosenniemi x) Though I am going to sell it as soon as I get all the papers sorted out, since I don't really do anything with it, and don't have money to keep it in the long run.

Anyway, that's pretty much the past... eight (?) months. I actually have to work tomorrow (TODAY), so I gotta go to bed now. 

I'll try to be more active here, but I don't have much time or energy after work so I'll see what I can do x)

Stay human! Blog ya later~