I'm gonna tell you a story about a thing that happened to me now..

There probably comes a time like this for every uterus owner. The same fear that defies all the logic and knowledge takes over and you can't get over it until you do that one thing. That one, simple thing. You pee on the stick.

Yes, I am talking of that moment when you think you might be pregnant even if you couldn't be. Even if you don't want to. And even if you're on the pills and/or have used some other contraception, you still think that you're most probably pregnant. And why? Well, because you have ALL the symptoms (which you actually don't, since it's individual for everyone and you are probably lying to yourself).

The whole thing goes like this:

First you start getting hungrier and seem to be more tired. It could all be because of your new medication, but it could not, okay?
Then one day you feel sick for no reason, and even if you don't throw up, you still think that there has to be SOMETHING.
And then your boyfriend/girlfriend/someone accidentally touches your boobs a bit too hard, and it hurts like it's never hurt before.
Periods? Well, you either get them TOO soon or you don't get them on That Day (aka they're late). Whichever, the point is that suddenly your periods are SOMEHOW ABNORMAL.
Oh gosh, let us not forget the peeing. You are going for a pee all the time. No, it can't be because you've been drinking more than usual.

So conclusion? You are pregnant. You have the bun in the oven. No, it doesn't matter whether the last time you had sex was over 3 months ago and/or you are using somekind of birth control. You. Are. Most. Likely. Pregnant.

Now, you panic. You try to tell yourself that you can not be pregnant, you tell the reasons why not, you try to be logical with yourself but still... the panic takes over.

So now you are anxious, because, against all odds, you are pregnant... but you still want to 100% sure, so what do you do?

You go to the store or drugstore, and get a freaking pregnancy test (which never are 100% sure so I don't know why you even bother...) while acting all awkward at the counter.
You get home, you lock yourself into the toilet. In there you quickly open the package, read the instructions (which you already knew thanks to oh-so-many movies where the same thing happens), and then you pee on that motherfucking stick.

And then you wait.

And after few minutes that line that yells "NEGATIVE" appears.
And you let out the most freaking loudest, relieved sigh.
Because congrats fucker, you are not pregnant and you just overreacted.

Unless that test is positive and you freak out... But this is another story for someone who's actually experienced this to tell.

I am glad that I got to share this story with you all.
Stay human and blog ya later~

Body image.

First of all: THANK YOU. So much. Everyone who commented on my previous post, cheering me up and sharing their support. I really appreciate it and you don't know just HOW much.

But now... I thought I'd share something about female bodies and the body image that I've been thinking about lately...

They say that a woman is beautiful when she accepts herself, when she's okay with her body and mind. And I don't disagree, really.
But I also can't get over the fact that media keeps pushing out these skinny models, actors, singers etc. Because no matter how beautiful they are (and they really obviously are), I can't accept the fact that the media sets up the way women are "supposed" to look.

I don't know if any of you have watched Disney Channel lately, but even Disney has jumped into the fashion train. It was this last winter (I believe) when I was visiting my oldest cousin and her kids, and her 10-year-old daughter was watching Shake It Up, or something like that, and suddenly looked at her thighs and said: "My legs are too fat."
Needless to say that I laughed my ass off, because a TEN YEAR OLD girl was saying this. Her mother laughed as well and we confirmed the daughter that no, her legs are not fat, and no, she shouldn't even think about those at that age.

But I couldn't stop thinking about it, and realised that even kids under 10 years watch the Disney shows and THINK that they should look like this:

The main characters of Disney's Shake It Up. Actresses' ages are 14 and 15.

Forgetting the fact that the show is just terrible (I had to watch it all summer and winter because of my cousin's daughter), all the characters in the show are as... fit and fashionable as these two.

And since kids watch shows like these all day long, OF COURSE they think that they need to look like that. It's imprinted in their minds at a young age already.

I was lucky enough to watch "boys' shows" (and I don't like that either, categorising shows, toys etc. into boys' and girls') when I was a kid, and back then the Disney stars used to look like this for example:

Raven <3

Of course there were the Disney Princesses of the animations who frankly enough have ridiculous body ratios, BUT I admired them for their personalities. Think about it, even though their waists are skinnier than their necks and heads, at least they show over and over again that they can be heroes too. Strong, independent women who can choose what they want by themselves.

Can't really say that for the shows on Disney Channel nowadays, since most of the characters I've seen are silly kids, who have big dreams and stupid jokes...

ANYHOW. Let's get on with it and move onto other topics than Disney and other media's set-up of the ideal female body.

As I said before, I agree that beauty is when someone accepts themselves and are confident and happy in their bodies. That doesn't mean you have to be skinny or chubby or fat or normal or have to train your ass off daily or whatever. It means if you get up in the morning and think "Man, I feel GOOD. I could go to gym and then have a pizza" and put on whatever clothes feeling good and beautiful, then you are most probably happy with yourself, and that's beautiful to me. Beauty is not just what you look like, it's what you feel like and how you are. Your nature. In my opinion.

But since I already mentioned that media sets us the ideal image, I should probably continue with the outer image of beauty, and introduce you some of my girl crushes:

Scarlett Johansson

As long as I remember I've admired this woman for her beauty. She has curves and even stretch marks. She is beautiful and she is sexy. She is talented and confident and one of those Hollywood actors who keeps getting ranked as one of the sexiest women EVEN though she is so-called normal size.

Jennifer Lawrence

She is gorgeous. And every Jennifer fan knows that she doesn't mind being lazy and normal-sized. She loves it. She is happy with how she looks and yes, she goes to gym (which actor DOESN'T?), but she's also said publicly that she loves eating. She's not ashamed of how she looks even if she's surrounded by skinnier or chubbier actors.

Missy Peregrym

This girl has muscles, arms and boobs. You know those actresses with spaghetti arms and legs? Yep, not Missy. Just like Johansson and Lawrence, she has curves, although she can easily look boyish with the right clothes and bra:

Missy Peregrym on the left, just FYI.

Amanda Righetti

Once again, a woman with wide-ish shoulders, muscles and just an absolutely gorgeous body.

Yes, these four women are what I would consider normal size, but I believe they all been considered one of the most beautiful women in the world in different charts. And I don't wonder at all why.
They are all beautiful outside and seem to be confident and happy with they look.
I can't say that ALL media is about the skinny ones, since these four women have also modelled for different magazines and brands, so there's hope. But it just seems that women, especially the younger ones, seem to pick up the examples from the skinnier part of the fashion and pop culture.
And let me tell you one thing a lecturer of mine, who's worked in films and TV told me: the camera actually ADDS kilos on you. And

Now I'm gonna show you... ME!
This is as close to naked you'll see me on internet:

 Love handles!

Stretch marks!

I would be lying if I said that I am completely happy with my body, since I'm not. I'm okay with my upper body, but I do find my bum and thighs just a big too big for my taste.
I've been trying to tone them, but the only place I seem to lose weight is my ribs and waist xD
So if I get them juuust a bit skinnier and just more toned, I'll be happy.
I'm not too confident with myself and after my eating disorder I've been constantly conscious of how I look and whenever a male coursemate has to lift me I tell them "I hope I'm not too heavy".
I don't want to be skinny. I don't want to be fat. I don't want to be chubby. I don't want to be normal. I want to be happy with myself and how I look.

And that's what I think everyone should aim to.
I hope everyone understood my ramblings...

Now let, me leave you with Ashley Graham, a gorgeous plus size model, and I'll blog ya later~