Watch what you say to others. Watch how you say to others. - A story about why "You've lost weight, you look good." is not a compliment to me.

I know my blog has been a bit... well, negative lately, but these are things that I'm going through and want to get out of my mind. For a while at least.

I'm gonna tell you a story of a kind once again. This story involves an eating disorder, so you've been warned.
Few people do know that I used to have an eating disorder, it's not  something that I've shouted from top of the hill, but not something I've gone out of my way to hide either. I guess now it's out in the open :'D

It all begun some years ago. I was relatively normal. I had hobbies and hung out with my friends etc. I was outgoing. An extrovert. I guess some, if not most, of them thought that I was an "attention whore" and loud, but I didn't care. I didn't care much about my looks either. I knew I was okay-looking and considered myself normal weight, but I didn't really care about those things.
Around that time too I realised my depression and a friend of mine talked me into going to a doctor.
Now, I am in no way depressed enough in Finland's standard to get professional help (aka I am not hurting myself or others physically nor have I tried to kill myself), so all the doctor did was give me meds. They never really told me what they'd do or what their purpose was, only mentioned something about regulating my sleeping and eating.

Soon enough things changed. I developed a binge eating disorded (BED). I was basically eating all the time. If there was food, I was probably eating it. That meant I gained weight fast and a lot. Of course I had no idea what a BED was, nor that I had it. It's something I only realised years after.
I still didn't care about my weight or my looks.
But some people and friends, some that I trusted and considered important, started saying some nasty things. Some barely wanted to hang out with me. One of them told me that I was "sickeningly fat" and that it was unhealthy.
That crushed me. This was a person I had trusted, and they said that in a rather unkind way, with disgust in their voice.

This of course changed everything and I took a 180 turn in my eating. I stopped eating almost completely. From one eating disorder to another.
I also kind of pulled myself into my shell. I started to avoid most people and tried to not be too loud.
Quite soon I had lost a lot of weight and slowly started to go back to those places where people had hurt me. Back to the people who had hurt me. In just a couple of years I had...

gone from this...:

  

April 2007 (if I remember correctly, this was taken really close to the "you're sickeningly fat"-comment"

to this...:

 

July 2008

to this...:

 February 2009

September 2009

Of course they saw my weight loss (who wouldn't have?) and they started saying things to me again.
Instead of the comments in negative tone, they were saying things like: "You've lost weight. You look really good." with a very positive tone, and they wanted to hang out with me more once again. I honestly felt like I wasn't good before, but now I was. I didn't realise it back then, but my worth was basically measured with my weight. Not just by others, but by myself as well. I was more worthy if I was skinny.

I started eating quite normally once I had a job, which also gave me a reason to spend less time with those people (I had started to feel awful around them once again) and soon enough I moved to England for studies.
I visited Finland every now and then, and every time I saw these people, they'd tell me how good I looked and how skinny I was. Every time I felt awful.

Some of the people didn't see my discomfort, some I tried to explain it to just couldn't understand why it always made me feel anxious and horrible when others "complimented" me. One even told me that they'd feel really happy if someone told them they looked skinny and good (appparently I was supposed to feel and be like them all the time). I still hate it if anyone comments on my weight, even when they try to make it a compliment. It's a trigger that shoots me back to the time I was in the middle of the eating disorder and felt like I was only worth something to people when I was skinny. I still feel horrified every time my weight goes over a certain number.

I've pretty much left those people behind and decided that I don't want them around me.
Another thing that's changed is the way I feel when other people talk about their weight. I hate it. I never say it out loud, but the people close to me complaining about their weight (usually: "I'm so fat") horrifies me, because I have no idea what to do or what to say. And whenever I say/do something I feel like I'm making it worse by basically making them feel the same as I did. That their weight needs to be something for them to be worthy.
I never had anyone help me, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I feel helpless and I get reminded of my own fight. I try to help by telling them that if they wanna lose weight, the best way to go about it is: eat and exercise. 
But those weight conversations keep coming up and they always make me terrified and anxious. Selfishly I wish they didn't. Selfishly I wish people would just shut up about it around me sometimes.
I want to help, but I feel like I can't. In a way I don't even want to, because I'm so scared of saying something hurtful.

Maybe someday I'll get over this all and I'll be okay with my weight again, but I know it's not now.

Stay human, and blog ya later!

I'm gonna tell you a story about a thing that happened to me now..

There probably comes a time like this for every uterus owner. The same fear that defies all the logic and knowledge takes over and you can't get over it until you do that one thing. That one, simple thing. You pee on the stick.

Yes, I am talking of that moment when you think you might be pregnant even if you couldn't be. Even if you don't want to. And even if you're on the pills and/or have used some other contraception, you still think that you're most probably pregnant. And why? Well, because you have ALL the symptoms (which you actually don't, since it's individual for everyone and you are probably lying to yourself).

The whole thing goes like this:

First you start getting hungrier and seem to be more tired. It could all be because of your new medication, but it could not, okay?
Then one day you feel sick for no reason, and even if you don't throw up, you still think that there has to be SOMETHING.
And then your boyfriend/girlfriend/someone accidentally touches your boobs a bit too hard, and it hurts like it's never hurt before.
Periods? Well, you either get them TOO soon or you don't get them on That Day (aka they're late). Whichever, the point is that suddenly your periods are SOMEHOW ABNORMAL.
Oh gosh, let us not forget the peeing. You are going for a pee all the time. No, it can't be because you've been drinking more than usual.

So conclusion? You are pregnant. You have the bun in the oven. No, it doesn't matter whether the last time you had sex was over 3 months ago and/or you are using somekind of birth control. You. Are. Most. Likely. Pregnant.

Now, you panic. You try to tell yourself that you can not be pregnant, you tell the reasons why not, you try to be logical with yourself but still... the panic takes over.

So now you are anxious, because, against all odds, you are pregnant... but you still want to 100% sure, so what do you do?

You go to the store or drugstore, and get a freaking pregnancy test (which never are 100% sure so I don't know why you even bother...) while acting all awkward at the counter.
You get home, you lock yourself into the toilet. In there you quickly open the package, read the instructions (which you already knew thanks to oh-so-many movies where the same thing happens), and then you pee on that motherfucking stick.

And then you wait.

And after few minutes that line that yells "NEGATIVE" appears.
And you let out the most freaking loudest, relieved sigh.
Because congrats fucker, you are not pregnant and you just overreacted.

Unless that test is positive and you freak out... But this is another story for someone who's actually experienced this to tell.

I am glad that I got to share this story with you all.
Stay human and blog ya later~

Living with hypothyroidism.

Someone might remember my post about living with anxiety and depression. Well since that's not the only illness I actually battle with daily, I thought I'd write about something else that affects my life quite a lot. And to "celebrate" the fact that I had to go for blood tests once again :D

Long post once again, so read more under the cut!

HOLD ON A MINUTE (repost)

EDIT/
Ugh, my phone decided to delete the original post, but luckily enough I had saved it so here we go!

I've been in the belief that I just updated my blog a week ago. Now I came here to update and saw that it was THREE week ago?!

Aaanyway. I'm gonna update something now x) Something nice.
So nice things that have happened since 21st of February...

Well, first of all our Lumipuisto was finished on 28th of February, which meant the stress levels at work went DOWN.
The day after, on 1st of March, I went to see Block B live in Circus Helsinki. Block B is a Korean "boyband" aka all-men idol group ;D
The gig was quite expensive considering the venue, but it was worth it. The boys were adorable and really good. They could've sang more and talked less, but I get that they want to make some contact with the fans. I even dressed up and put some make-up on to fit the situation. My friends and I were all quite "noonas" (=big sisters) ;D

 

This was my outfit. 

That shirt is quite ugly but so comfy. Unfortunately the trousers I bought are actually a size too big (they were good in the store!), but I still like them :3

 

And this was my wace :3

 

Heidi shows her opinion on the queue.

 The queue was LONG. I'm still surprised how we all fit into the Circus o_O

Waiting for the gig to start 8)

Yeah. The gig was nice and they even performed one of my favourite songs, Her:

So yeah. That gig really cheered my up after all the work.

After that it was back to normal work which lasted for a week for me. Then I got ill last Saturday :D Which was in a way nice, since I got 3 days off work and got to rest some more.

But yeah, that's pretty much my last 3 weeks. I've been watching streams (elajjaz mostly), fangirling (elajjaz mostly), sleeping and working.

Hopefully next time will be a bit more interesting :'D

Until then, stay human and blog ya later~

Whoa, okay.

My cousin reminded me the other day that I haven't posted anything here for a LONG time. So this is an "I'm okay and this is what has happened since the last time"-post. This might get long, so bear with me.

Last time (aka last two posts before this one) I wrote about wanting to cosplay again and that I was getting an apartment.

So yeah...

Well first of all last year was kind of a clusterfuck for me. In the beginning of the year I lost my mummi (grandma from mother's side in this case), was super heartbroken about it for a long time, since she was really important to me. I applied to Theatre Academy, but didn't even get invited to the entrance examination, since I "didn't have enough work experiene in theatre". Mind you, I had graduated at the end of the previous year. I had a hard time getting an apartment and generally a big amount of people were making my life harder one way or another. Different parties (not political ones) wanted money from me all the time and I just had none.

Then magic happened. I was informed I was getting an apartment, and I also decided to adopt a dog from Kulkurit Ry (a group that rescues dogs from the streets in Romania and Estonia). She is the most adorable thing ever, even she is a bit... special sometimes.

Her name is Aurica and she saves my life every day. She is mixed with who know how many breeds and is approximately 1,5 years now. Since she's a rescue, we don't know what her real age is. Nor what breeds she has in her. She arrived to Finland from Romania on the night between 27th and 28th of June. That's also when we celebrate her birthday :D

In the beginning of June I went to Desucon, which revived my urge to cosplay. Soon enough I had my own cosplay page on FB x) But we'll get back to that later.

Quite soon after Desucon I started dating... well "dating". Okay, I got myself a boy. By the end of June we were "officially dating". We're still together, which is surprising since I usually last for only 5 months in a relationship...

So things were going okay. I went to Birmingham for a Teen Wolf event, met my friends there, had fun, got told I look like Natalie Dormer, came back. Went to Ropecon, had an amazing time as usual. Went to Tubecon and met some really cool people and made new friends. Went to Mikkeli with Rafiki, had a blast.
In September I went to Tracon where I was a judge in a cosplay skit competition, had fun and made new friends. Still wanted to cosplay, but had no money. But then I got a job as a youth leader!?!?

Okay, at this point things were going a bit too well for me, so something had to come and mess up my life, right?

And it did. I was supposed to start working in the beginning of November, but got informed that it wasn't possible. For a week or two I was angry and disappointed, but somehowe I got a message saying that hey, I can start working in December! I was to become a youth leader with children's theatre group. And everything was good again. I even decided to do Sailor Pluto for a convention and started the cosplay page I mentioned earlier.
So things are going well, I have an apartment, I have a god, I have a job, I have a boyfriend, and I have hobbies that I like (parapara, cosplay and games)... so what could possibly go wrong?
Well, since you've probably noticed, I can't do well or be happy for a long time without something shitty happening. Well, in the beginning of December I lost my mummu (grandma from father's side in this case). And of course I got sad and a lot of random things started making me anxious (especially people).

I did continue my life and kept doing things I liked. I liked my work (still do!), got into cosplay and making Sailor Pluto and one day in late December as I was on a walk with Aurica, I realised that it's completely okay to let go of the "shitty" people in my life. If they are not good for me, if they always make me feel more bad than good, I can just leave them behind and say no to them.

Since the beginning of this year, things have been quite okay. I do get depressed every now and then, but that's how the illness works, and I'm doing my best on those days.
I went to Yukicon in January, where I wore my Sailor Pluto costume on stage, as I hosted Nordic Cosplay Championship preliminaries and the photoshoot contest.We even held a panel about cosplay skit making with Elina and Miro.

Photo by Santtu Pajukanta.

Once again I met some really cool people, made new friends and had a blast.

I've been working a lot, but good thing is that it's fun and I get to do a lot of different stuff. I also found out that I kinda own land in Pelkosenniemi x) Though I am going to sell it as soon as I get all the papers sorted out, since I don't really do anything with it, and don't have money to keep it in the long run.

Anyway, that's pretty much the past... eight (?) months. I actually have to work tomorrow (TODAY), so I gotta go to bed now. 

I'll try to be more active here, but I don't have much time or energy after work so I'll see what I can do x)

Stay human! Blog ya later~

I feel a great need to...

COSPLAY.

Because of all the amazing cosplays I saw in Desucon.

I just with I had all the time and money to do a few costumes. Well, hopefully soon-ish.

I did kind of just throw some clothes together and re-cosplay Erica Reyes from Teen Wolf. Again.
Have a cool photo my friend took of me with my camera :3

Unf. I'm hot.

But yeah, that's it for now. A longer post will be coming (hopefully) soon!

Till then, stay human and blog ya later~!

LivBox May!

Hey again!

Good news!

•  I'm getting my own apartment, finally! (which also means I'll be busy-ish for the time between May and the beginning of July)
• I'm done with the anaemia medication and should be fine now! (although I do need to go to give some blood samples to be sure)
• ???

Anyway what I wanted to talk about is this box we have in Finland called LivBox, which is similar to Glossybox, Beautybox 5 and what others you have in the US and UK and elsewhere. And I got one yesterday!

Iiiih!

I'm not sure how long we've had this in Finland (I think this is its second year now), since I just found out about it last month, which also means that this is my first LivBox ever!

I just wanted to share this with you all, so here we go~

How cute is that little ribbon?

Ooh, we're getting there!

Okay, first of all I have to say how nicely this was packaged. The little part (with the ribbon) in between the top and the wrapping paper keeps the whole package underneath neat and in control. I think this packet just looks simple and elegant. ME LIKEY.

Teehee x)

First you see this little, two-sided card, which has a greeting from a staff member (in this month's box it's actually a member leaving the staff and saying goodbye), and...

this list of the products you get, what they are, how much they are and what sizes you can get them in. Handy!

There was also a voucher for Dermalogica's web store, but I didn't take a photo of that x)

TA-DAH!

So this is what I got inside (minus earrings that I gave away before I took this photo, because I'm a derp)!

The point is that you always get some random-ish products that are specific in each month. Some of them come in full size and some in sample size.

So let's dive into what all of these are~

Cutrin Professional - Reflection Color Boost shampoo & conditioner

These are basically the travel/sample size (50ml), since the actual bottles come in 300ml and 200ml, but I couldn't be happier to get these, since I'll be travelling in July and now I don't need to buy new travel shampoo and conditioner 8)

Can't wait to try them though...

ACO Sun cerat SPF 30

Lip balm!

This couldn't have come in a better time :D

It's a lip balm that has SPF 30, UVA and UVB protection, so I am already in love with it x)

I had to try it immediately, and it feels really moisturising, and smells really pleasant. This is the full size, so yay!

Dermalogica skinperfect primer SPF 30

This is a sample size, which doesn't surprise me, since the actual full product (22ml) is normally 77€ :'D

Anyway, this is Dermalogica's primer with AGE smart actives, which basically means that it works very well on mature and prematurely-aging skin. Not to say that younger people with younger skin can't use it! I've heard people tell me that I have a good skin and I also get mistaken for 19 or 20 year old often, so I don't know if this is something I'd actually buy, but now I can test it :3

I did swatch it for you!

It's quite dark-looking (especially for my skin) right out of the tube.

Little splotch of the product on my hand, pre-blended. Still dark :D

Blended. 

It is a bit dark for my skin, but if I put powder on it, it probably wouldn't show that badly. It does blend in evenly, even though it is a bit sparkly.

Paese blush with argan oil

This is the full size, and I have to say, the colour is amazing. It's this... peachy-organgey shade with some glitter. 

Lately, I've become a sucker for things that smell good, and I have to tell you: this smells good.

So sparkly!

Here you can see the colour better. Notice how sparkly it is :D

Swatchy swatchy- time!

Straight from the container.

On my hand.

Yeah... I didn't expect it to be this pigmented, but it is quite :D And the sparkle spreads evenly on the skin, so you don't need to worry about having a shiny splotch on your cheek x)

I do like this a lot, and will be using it soon, since it's a shade I haven't had previously, but have needed.

Ibero pearl earrings.

These were the earrings I got in the package, and gave away immediately :'D

Pearls are really not my style, and quite frankly these were my least favourite part of the box, but it's a good thing that I found someone who actually has use for these!

Sally Hansen Diamong Strenght Nail Color - 230 Sweetie Pie.

Nail polish! YAY! 

Sally Hansen is not the cheapest in Finland (usually around 9,50€ per bottle), and this happens to be the actual full bottle (13,3ml), so I'm happy 8)

Especially since it's this... lohenpunainen shade of pink that's not too in-your-face. Aka what I was missing. 

I am wearing two layers of said nail polish on the photo above.

And last but not least...

Dolce by Dolce & Gabbana

Now this is a sample size once again (1.5ml). You can get the eau de parfum in two sizes: 30ml (which is about 73,50€) and 50ml (which is 95,90€).

So tiny :3

The fragrance itself is not too strong and is surprisingly pleasant. It's quite elegant and fresh, but soft. I won't probably buy the big bottle, because of it's price, but I gotta admit that I like this quite a lot. 

I'm gonna carry this small bottle with me in my handbag until it's empty :)

That was all of the products from May's LivBox that I got! 

I'm getting at least two boxes more, and then I might continue the order if I keep liking over 50% of the products in the boxes :3

Next unboxing will happen in July and hopefully I'll manage to make a video of the happening this time as well. The possible video will be uploaded to my YouTube channel, so check it out!

If you're not a fan of YouTube, but still want to see what I got, don't worry. I will make another blog post as soon as I have the box :3

Until then, or another time, stay human and blog ya later~!